Our ancestors, like a pack of wolves, lived and traveled as a clan, a group of 25-35 adults plus children. Like a pack of wolves, our bond was our bloodline, and the fact that our existence depended upon teamwork as warriors to defend our hunting territory, and as hunters and gatherers to kill the beasts and gather the roots, nuts, and fruits so that the group had enough to eat. One person alone could not survive. There had to be enough adults, with the right skills, to hunt and gather the food to keep the clan alive for another day. They lived in a dangerous, unforgiving world where only the wisest, smartest, and strongest survived.
Dominance was gained by learning how to intimidate and frighten off an aggressor so that physical contact could be avoided. A physical wound would likely be fatal because medical care was primitive, and the clan had limited ability to care for members who could not care for themselves. It was a brutal existence. The individuals and the clan learned to defend themselves by roaring, growling, howling, screaming, waving their arms, rattling their spears and clubs and pounding on logs and drums, anything to make themselves appear bigger, stronger and fiercer than the intimidating force.
Do these behaviors sound familiar?
These survival traits are written in our DNA and are visible today from the smallest and youngest to the biggest and the strongest. When we want our way and are not able to get it, we tend to hiss with an intimidating face and escalate our fierceness by yelling, howling, screaming, roaring, waving our arms and anything in our hands, threatening, cursing and, if all else fails, throw whatever is in our hands and attack or run. These defensive and offensive instincts range from the subtle to the blatant in all relationships.
The marital conflict between Mark and Linda exemplifies these inherited survival traits. The morning had been shattered by escalating conflict as Linda and Mark prepared to leave for work. Neither of their two children was ready, and Mark was going to be late for a business appointment.
"If you had merely started getting yourself and the children ready 20 minutes earlier, as I suggested, we would not be in this situation.” He grumbled.
"I will not listen to you when you are shouting," Linda said to Mark.
"I am not shouting," Mark responded. "I am simply emphasizing my point."
"Do you have to have that angry look on your face and snarl in your voice?" She questioned. "When you verbally attack me like you are now, I feel so hurt and angry that I am unable to focus on your words." She explained as tears welled in her eyes. “Your whole posture causes me to feel anxious and to question if you love me." She murmured as she dissolved into tears.
Mark's angry expression turned to one of frustration as he uttered through clenched teeth, "Everything I do offends you and is judged to be wrong or inadequate."
His combative mood continued as he rose to leave for his appointment. "Even what I say and how I say it is judged by you to be wrong or said the wrong way."
"Are you going to run away now and leave me to pick up the pieces like you usually do rather than find a solution to save our sick relationship?" She asked through her tears. "How many unsolved conflicts already litter our life because you run away and pout?"
Mark spun around glaring and in a raised voice said, "There you go again blaming me for leaving the conflict when it is you who are unreasonable and shrill. Everything has to be done your way and in your timing," he hissed as he turned to leave for his appointment.
Conflict is Normal
The ways Mark and Linda are expressing and managing their conflict is normal. It is not suitable for their relationship or marriage, and it is not useful in solving the problems that separate them, but their conflicting behavior accurately expresses the intimidating action inherited from their ancestors.
Normal is neither positive nor negative. Good or bad is relative to the circumstances. If attacked by a person intent on harming, it would be normal for a person to fight for their life, run for their life, plead for mercy, fall over and play dead, and do everything in their power to survive the attack. However, if while having dinner in a restaurant, a person being served verbally attacks and physically intimidates the server by raising their voice, waving their arms and pounding on the table, this primitive behavior, though accurately reflecting the intimidating practice of their ancestors, would be wrong and socially unacceptable.
While Mark and Linda learn to conflict in order to work together and to coordinate their existence, conflict is also undermining their dignity and self-respect and threatens the survival of their marriage. Conflict is not about understanding the other person; it is about proving that you are right, and the other person is wrong. Conflict is a desperate effort to reassure our self that we are not inferior to the person with whom we conflict.
Three things should be considered when conflict is about to start.
As far as we know, we human beings are the smartest animals on this planet. As smart as we are, why do we repeat things that never work?
Conflict never works, yet we frequently resort to it. Why? The answer is, we tend to judge life by how we feel rather than by what we know. Consequently, we think that reality is how we feel at any given moment and react accordingly. When, in fact, reality cannot be adequately determined by how we feel. The principle is:
"Our feelings are real, and we must deal with them because they are connected to something important in us. But our feelings are not reliable to tell us what is real."
Our feelings come unbidden, and they leave without warning. We cannot determine how we feel at any given time, but we can determine what we think and how we behave. If we live by how we feel, our life is out of control, but if we live according to what we know, we have control of ourselves, and we are able to act upon life rather than react to what life presents.
Our human thinking and feelings compel us to believe that if we are right, the other person has to be wrong. The idea that we can both be correct, and hold opposite positions or convictions, seems to be unreasonable and unacceptable. This emotional conviction makes us unable to reason, so we default to the belief that the other person must be convinced that we are right.
Copyright 2019 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
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Rule 2: Forgiveness is choosing not to remember the wrong or hurt against your mate.
Forgiveness is a contract made with yourself not to charge the offender with the offense from that point forward.
Second, forgiveness is a commitment made to yourself to live in the relationship with the offender from that point forward, just-as-if-they had never offended you.
Third, when you think of the offense, forgiveness reminds you that the offender is not guilty anymore, and you put the thought out of your mind.
Fourth, forgiveness is not something that you feel or necessarily want to give. It is a commitment that you carry out faithfully regardless of how you feel or what you want.
Rule 3: No one is more invested in your success and happiness than your mate. Your mate is not your enemy.
Every living thing is in conflict. The soil attacks a fallen seed to bring about decomposition. The seed struggles to use the same soil to germinate and produce a plant like the one, which spread the seed. If the seed wins the conflict, it will sprout and push its way through the soil and into the sunlight. The very sun it seeks will burn the life out of the plant if it does not receive enough water. On the seedling struggles, fighting off disease and all other elements to reach maturity and spread its seed so that the cycle may begin again.
Conflict is necessary to test the strong to make them stronger. Only the strong overcome the conflict and lives to spread its seed.
Relationship conflict is likewise necessary if the couple is going to develop a bond strong enough to overcome the elements of life which would destroy it. Couple conflict reveals changes each must make in order to transform their thinking from "I," "me," and "my" to "we," "us," and "our." This is difficult because we naturally think in the singular and assume that others should view life as we experience it. These clashes force the couple to learn to resolve their conflicts, or the relationship will be destroyed. The basis for the resolution is to remember that out of all the people in the world; they could be with today; they chose each other. Therefore, no one is more invested in their success and happiness than their mate.
Rule 4: Life is more than the ways you see and experience it. You look out on life through the lens of your life experience, which is slightly distorted.
Perspective is how we see ourselves in relationship to the people and circumstances that surround us. A perspective gives a three-dimensional view of two-dimensional objects, scenes, or events. Perspective brings other relevant issues into relationship with the present situation in order to provide us with a broader frame of reference.
If all we can see in a conflict is our issues and needs, we have a two-dimensional point of view. But if we are willing first to seek to understand what the other person needs and wants; this understanding will provide the three-dimensional point of view, and make the resolve of the conflict possible. The people in our life have a reasonable basis for their perspective on the issues in their life. We often reason differently about the same issue, but that does not make one person wrong. In order to resolve differences, understanding the reasonableness of the other person's perspective must be gained. This mutual understanding provides a basis for resolving conflicts.
Rule 5: Conflict is resolved, not from arguing facts, but from seeking to understand each other’s point of view.
Each of us looks out upon the world through the lens of our experience, knowledge, and perspective. What we see and understand is our reality. It isn't until each is willing to go to the other person's point of view that understanding is gained. At the point that we gain understanding, we are able to empathize with the other person's experience. It is then that we can say with sincerity, I now understand your point of view. Understanding the other person's point of view does not cancel out our point of view. It simply gives our point of view a greater perspective and our insight greater understanding and empathy. When understanding and compassion are brought into the conflict, the potential for resolve is increased.
Rarely do facts matter when a relationship is in conflict. What always matters is how each person in the relationship is experiencing the conflict. We tend to fight about facts, but the real issues are our feelings and needs. Facts distract us from the feelings that make the conflict heated. The more we argue about facts, the further away from the issue we are drawn. At the point that we begin to listen to the other person's feelings, we will begin to understand their needs. Conflicts are rarely over facts. Conflicts arise when our needs are not met, and our feelings are hurt.
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
Posted on October 4, 2019, by Dr. Orville E. Easterly
© 2019 marriagecounseling.com
]]>During the second year life became more routine opening the way for the growing concerns to come into focus. Passion declined sharply, replaced by a sense of ought and obligation. The spaces between their togetherness widened and filled with frustration and indifference. The conviction that the marriage was a mistake was no longer framed as a question, yet the implication was unthinkable.
The confirmation of pregnancy in September seemed to infuse the marriage with new meaning and a sense of purpose. The growing life diverted their senses away from the fragility of their relationship and on to preparation for the baby’s arrival. In May, a new cast member arrived on life’s stage, commanding attendance and attention.
Fatherhood, exciting at first, dissolved into the realization that an intruder had taken over his home and commandeered his wife’s attention, interest and affection. Motherhood filled a hollow place in her life where uncertainty, frustration and anger had darkened her days and filled her nights with forboding. The love she needed to give now had a place to live while the love she longed to receive swept through her without reserve.
The cold distance between them widened as indifference numbed the sense of loss of the bond the passion filled early days promised. The child became the fulcrum and the gravity which held the couple together while the hunger for the warmth of a nurturing relationship gnawed at the fragile fibers of their commitment. The dream of being loved unconditionally and sharing the journey through life seemed unattainable while a feeling of being trapped financially prevented them from uttering the words separation or divorce. Yet they both knew they could not go on indefinitely in this state of emptiness and disappointment.
Neither could bear the thought of living apart from the child so they consulted with a marriage therapist from whom they learned that marital love is not a noun but rather a verb. Happiness is a deviation from the norm, not the standard condition of life. The norm of life is contentment; a state of being that is neither bored nor infused with excitement. They learned that feelings come unbidden and leave without warning and therefore are not reliable indicators of reality. We feel passion and are driven by its power but we do love in spite of how we feel or what we want at any given time. Feelings follow and reinforce the loving action. A healthy, mutually satisfying relationship is built on commitments based in the needs of the relationship and fulfilled with actions and attitudes rising out of the foundation of self-control.
Both believed that the marriage was a mistake and wished out loud that they could start over without penalty. He explained that in golf a poor drive from the tee may be replayed without penalty. The therapist responded that a mulligan is not the same as a new game. It simply allows the golfer to continue the same game as if the first drive had not happened.
What the couple wanted was to wipe out the marriage as if it had never happened and take a different course. This cannot happen in life. Once a marriage is formed and a child is born, a mulligan, a restart, is the best for which a couple can hope. As in the game of golf, however, the mulligan stays in the minds of the players. No matter what the player with the mulligan scores in the game, everyone remembers that the score is always one stroke higher.
Should the couple go on to divorce the marriage remains a fact in their lives and the child will tie them together as long as they both live. In life, a divorce is forever part of a person’s history and current resume.
A mulligan in marriage is not a divorce but rather a place where the couple is able to stop, learn from their past mistakes, draw a line separating them from their negative past and design a marriage which is mutually satisfying, healthy and growing. Then, with the help of a marriage therapist, build a new marriage in which both wish to live. This is how the marriage mulligan works.
* A second chance to perform a certain move or action
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>We are more than the total of all that we possess. We may have a sense of this truth during good times but it takes trying times to cause us either to rise to our best or to slump into a self-indulgent belief that our life is harder and sadder than everyone else’s. Contrast and comparison to others distract from the mastery of self and divert creativity and motivation from the challenge to overcome and to thrive. We are not as compared to anyone. The ways that we are similar pale in contrast with the ways we are unique.
Each of us stands alone facing the task of navigating the blustering winds and the swirling currents of life around us. How then do we manage stress and worry?
Exercise the Power to Decide: Our course through life is determined by the decisions we make. While influences beckon us and try to alter or shape our direction, it is our decisions which set our course. Ella Wheeler Wilcox summed this up saying,
One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
‘Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.
Take Nothing Personally: What others do may cause us pleasure or pain but the decisions we make are what separate us. When the words or behaviors of others wound us, the immediate tendency is to react with words and behaviors which cause equal or greater pain. This is unfortunate because such reactions give the other person the power, in that moment, to determine what we think, feel and how we will behave. The rudeness or cruelty of the other person is not about us. It is about the other person. We are impacted by their behavior but not the cause of it. If we respond to our desire to counter attack, we look and behave like the offender. We join their misbehavior and become part of the problem. This is taking as personal that which is not. We are temporarily the object of the other person’s misbehavior which is unpleasant but it will pass unless we join the other person’s misconduct.
Do Not Take Yourself Too Seriously: Tough times touch everyone like a rising tide lifts all boats. Some are better prepared for the tough times while others, already in difficult straits, seem to be overcome by the difficulties sweeping their direction. Tragedies, loss of health, death of a loved one, loss of a job, the destruction of a divorce are illustrative of individual gauntlets to run. For some it feels like the world has turned on them and they anguish, “Why me?” They believe that they alone have been selected to endure this great suffering while others appear to be untouched by such grief. Life is indifferent. Falling rain differentiates not who will get wet. A tsunami washes over all in its path. An earthquake shakes and destroys all under its power. An epidemic attacks everyone vulnerable to its poison. Rather than wallow in the despair of tragedy and loss, look up and seize the opportunities that tragedy, difficult times, and grief offer you. There are opportunities in every crisis or tragedy for those with eyes to see them. Many have eyes but do not see and ears but do not hear. It takes eyes willing to see to recognize that loss is a preparation to gain anew.
Your life is a journey. The present circumstance will pass. The past is an asset for reference. The future is yours to define and create. It is potential waiting to be formed. But life is clay molded and shaped either by bitterness and defeat or wisdom and courage.
Dr. Orville E. Easterly
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>What kind of a person makes it unsafe for others to tell them “No?” The answer is not difficult or complicated. This person is self-absorbed. This means that the only feelings, wants, and needs that are important to them are their own. This person feels angry, threatened, abused, and misunderstood anytime they do not get their way, and they tantrum. Picture a toddler throwing a fit because the child did not get their way. Why do they do this? They are punishing the one who denied them. They believe that if they make the one who denied them miserable enough they will get what they want.
Does this describe your life circumstance? Does your mate make it unsafe for you to say “No?” Are you afraid to assert yourself and say what you think and feel, or do you go along in order to avoid your mate’s anger and verbal assault? If this describes you in your marriage, help is available. Call a marriage and family counselor in your area and learn how to live with dignity and self-respect.
–Dr. Orville Easterly
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>What happened to the passion which brought them together? Passion is a feeling produced by erotic hormones which come unbidden and leave without warning. It requires the sense of adventure and the conquest of a new relationship, whereas love is a commitment to another which is fulfilled with the best that is in us no matter how we feel or what we want at any given time. Love is action saturated with an attitude born of commitment and expressed in loyalty and respect. Love, expressed with devotion and the skill developed from intimate knowledge of the other, produces a passion which is renewed throughout the life of the relationship. If passion in your relationship has diminished and conflict has increased, help is available. Dr. Orville E. Easterly
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>Here is one play in the playbook of managing your parents. Tim tells dad that mom is unreasonable. She never lets him do anything even when he has his homework completed. He wishes that mom would be as reasonable as dad in these matters. Dad feels good hearing this because his wife frequently tells him that he has no sense when it come to parenting and managing the children. She sees him as another child she has to manage.
Tim continues and runs the next part of the play. He tells dad that tonight is an example of how unreasonable she is. He complains that he has his homework and his chores done and simply wants to go to Sam’s house to play and will be home by 9:00. Dad falls for the ploy and states that he doesn’t see anything wrong with him going to Sam’s if he has his homework and chores completed. Tim thanks dad and tells him that he is the greatest and dashes off to tell mom that dad said that he can go to Sam’s house and be home by 9:00. Mom erupts and tells Tim that he isn’t going anywhere and stomps off to confront dad. This is Tim’s que to get over to Sam’s. After all, Dad gave him permission. Experience has taught him that his mom and dad will be fighting about this long after he is home and in bed.
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>When they learn to toddle, the world is their playground and everything must be touched, tasted and, if possible, shoved into their mouths, noses or ears. Food is simply another thing to touch, taste and throw. They learn quickly that most things shoved or dropped from a highchair go “thump” and they cannot get enough of this amazing game. When the object thrown from the highchair is their bottle or sippy cup, they demand that someone retrieve it promptly so they can throw it again.
Children must patiently be taught that food goes in their mouths rather than smeared over their faces and plastered to their hair. To housebreak them, the parents must be patient and must anticipate the moment when the child is about to relieve himself in order to get the child onto the potty chair. This interruption of the child’s moment of relief is initially met with indignant fussing and frustrated yells and cries. Sitting on a cold seat instead of eliminating comfortably into their warm diaper makes no sense and they battle to get off of the chair and to be left alone while they finish the job.
All civilized behavior and manners must be learned. Asking for a toy that another child has rather than simply yanking it away is inconvenient and usually results in rejection. Some children cannot understand why biting and hitting are not accepted behaviors when they work so well. These are not bad children with bad habits. They did not learn these behaviors from other sources and then practice them into habitual actions. These behaviors are inherited knowledge. They go back through the millennia to the time when our species learned to survive against overwhelming odds. During those critical years, our forebears had to react instantly to aggression on any level and fight for their lives, run for their lives, plead for their lives or play dead. Whatever they needed had to be taken with cunning and brute force or they did without. The rule for survival was to kill and eat or be killed and be eaten.
Our forebears survived and thrived. Each new level of existence required that they fine-tune social behavior to make it safe to coordinate their actions in order to benefit mutually. The instinct to take what was wanted or what was needed had to yield to learning to negotiate for mutual advancement. Hitting and biting had to be eliminated in favor of resolving difference by non-violent means. While our civilized order has advanced over this bumpy road of social development to the present era, the impulse to revert to these primitive behaviors is still powerful in all of us. Yet, we must teach our children not to do what comes naturally, but rather to learn the social niceties which will enable them to live successfully in our ordered society. The task of the parent is to teach the child to share, to cooperate, to help others, to ask permission, to clean up his mess, to potty in the toilet, to say “I’m sorry,” not to hit, not to bite, not to take other peoples things, not to throw things and not to scream and cry when he does not get his way.
If we are to teach such advanced behavioral patterns to our developing children, we must first master our own primitive urges and responses. Which of these primitive urges and responses are still active in you? Under what circumstances do you feel justified in hitting another person? How often do you share, cooperate, help others, ask permission, clean up your mess or say you are sorry? If any of these impulses are active in you it is not because you are bad, but rather because you have not mastered the social skills you need to achieve mutually satisfying relationships. This is one of the core issues which limit some parents’ abilities to discipline their children in a non-violent manner. It seems to be easier and to bring faster results if they hit and scold the child. What they do not realize is that the inherited instinct to survive causes the child to see the parent as a frightening aggressor rather than a safe, loving protector. Notice that when a child is hit and yelled at in anger the child will run for their life, fight for their life, plead for their life or fearfully submit to the frightening person hurting them. This child does learn to obey to a certain extent but they also learn to conquer by intimidation and force rather than to negotiate in peace and cooperation.
The purpose of punishment is to cause pain. The purpose of discipline is to teach and to mentor. This takes time and patience. In our rapid paced world, time and patience seem to be egregiously wanting but they are necessary if we are going to discipline rather than punish.
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>Soon, it is understood that they are exclusive to each other. With this commitment, an unsettling feeling of vulnerability begins to grow. Maybe one loves more than they are being loved? Could it be that the other is secretly playing the field in case this relationship does not work out? Secret tests enter the dynamics of the relationship in an effort to gage the commitment and the depth of love in the other. Joy takes on an edge of insecurity and suspicion. Apparent innocuous questions which are designed to investigate pass between them. Exciting anticipation of being together is replaced with the need to be together to know where the other person is and what they are doing. The little things which were overlooked become occasions to vent the uncertainty and insecurity building between them. Fun and inspiring anticipation are replaced by angry fights and passionate making up. Misery functions as a drug tying them together.
If this describes your relationship or your marriage, get help now to bring back the passion and joy which brought you together. If you live in the Sacramento valley, we at www.marriagecounseling.com are here to help.
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>Herein lies the inherent basis of the male’s vulnerability to pornography. He is designed by nature to be visually attracted to the female form. It is this attraction that brings a man and a woman together to become a couple. But this is not where it ends for the man. Being bonded with the woman of his choice does not relieve him of the desire to look at other women and imagine having sex with them. Pornography provides the opportunity to digitally fulfill this curiosity and, if unchecked, lure the man to the physical fulfillment of his lust.
Does the fact that the desire is natural permit the man to indulge his lust? The answer is no. The desire to look at the female form is insatiable and irrational. It is driven by the most primitive part of our brain where the sense to survive is stored. It is impersonal and detached. If indulged, it will weaken the man’s bond with his mate and decrease his sexual desire for her. Researchers have discovered that the effects of repeated exposure to standard, non-violent pornography increases the man’s callousness toward women; distorts his perceptions about sexuality; devalues the importance of monogamy; decreases satisfaction with his wife’s sexual performance, affection and appearance and raises doubts about the value of marriage. If pornography has intruded into your relationship, there is help for you atwww.marriagecounseling.com.
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>A long series of life-cycle tasks lay in front of this infant. Each life-cycle task must be mastered in order for the child to successfully begin the next life-cycle task. This child has approximately 19-20 years to master the art and skills required to live successfully as an independent adult. The parents are the mentors, teachers and practice dummies of the child. The goal is for the child to become an independent, self-directed, intelligent, wise and responsible adult. This is no simple task for the parents who frequently could benefit from some coaching in the art of parenting. If you need assistance in dealing with the challenge of parenting, give us a call. We want to help.
Copyright 2011 – Dr. Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved – Do not copy.
]]>The kind of understanding that leads to conflict resolution is gained by listening until the heart cry of the other is heard. This type of listening requires that our needs, desires, feelings, perspective, and prejudices are set aside so that we are able to focus on the other person’s attempt to express the cry of their heart. This kind of selflessness is one of the most difficult tasks that we will ever attempt. The concern that hinders is, “If I look past my feelings and needs and listen attentively to yours, there is no guarantee that you will listen in the same manner to me.”
Relationships are a risk. But until we are willing to take that risk, a mutually fulfilling, growing, healthy relationship is not possible. For most of us, it is very difficult to define and express what our needs are. This makes it difficult for us to put our needs into words which others can understand. Until we feel safe with the other person, we will not take the risk to become vulnerable by expressing these needs. This is why listening is so important. When we take the risk to listen, the other person eventually feels safe enough to express their needs in terms which we will be able to comprehend. This is when we will begin to hear their heart cry and to understand them.
–Dr. Orville Easterly
Copyright 2011 Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved –Do not copy.
]]>Consider the difficult and dangerous moves in which the couple must become competent if they are to survive and to become competitive. How many painful and bruising falls must be endured in order to achieve beauty and grace on the ice? When the couple falls on that cold hard ice, something went wrong. How do they deal with the pain of the fall, identify what went wrong, solve the problem, re-establish confidence in each other and try again?
If, while on the ice, each attack and blame the other and demand that their mate conform to their style of dance, the couple’s skill will not progress and the dance will end in bitterness and hurt feelings. When the dancers fall, if they are competent as individuals each will offer to make changes in their technique which will eliminate the problem. Success is not achieved by blaming and finding fault with one’s mate, but rather by developing the competence and skill necessary to accommodate the differences in the other’s style.
Competence as an adult is measured by the degree to which we are willing to change in order to make room in our dance for the differences in our mate. This level of competence enables us to control our impulse to find fault with our mate when we fall on life’s cold and unforgiving ice.
If marriage is to have the beauty and grace of the ice dancers, each member of the couple must be willing to bring into the relationship what is needed rather than what is desired. This is the self-mastery which enables a competent individual to coordinate their life with another even when what is needed seems not to be “fair” or “just.” Marriage, like life, is not built on what we believe is “fair” or “just,” but rather on what is necessary to survive and to grow. Specifically, a healthy growing marriage requires actions and attitudes which are in the best interest of the relationship rather than what is personally satisfying.
When the marriage is hurting, blaming and finding fault exacerbates the problem whereas competence gives the relationship what is needed rather than what is desired. Just as the success of the ice dancers requires commitment and self-mastery, building a successful marriage requires hard work, a vision of what the marriage can be and the commitment to make that vision a reality.
–Dr. Orville Easterly
Copyright 2011 Orville E. Easterly All Rights Reserved –Do not copy.
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